Friday, July 31, 2009

July Meeting

We would like to say a special warm welcome to all who have joined us here at the garden. If you have not already noticed I now have two more contributers. Sally from Tuesday's Hope and Sophie from Faraday's Garden have now joined me in organising all the meetings. Please make them feel welcome, I am so blessed to have these beautiful women working with me on this project.

We have decided to make the old 'Under Three Tree' a new place of its own, with guest writers, a monthly meeting and a new blogger award to be given out once every two months. You can read more about the Awards here.

Below are two questions for you to copy and paste to your own blog. Once you have answered them come back and leave a link to your post along with your name in the link section below.

Know that you do not have to answer all the questions, just whatever you feel comfortable doing.

We believe that if we ever want to receive love, we must always give it out first. So don't forget to visit other ladies that you may find here in the link section and send them your love - it is the main purpose for this writing exercise!

If you would like to spread the word about
The Secret Garden Meeting you can add the button on the sidebar to your post.

Love and Peace to all,

Carly, Sally and Sophie

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

Carly: I see Christian as a little boy who is growing in a place far more incredibly beautiful than where I stand today. He is not an angel to me, just a little boy who I carried for half a year of my life. I don't believe God called him home because he needed another angel, surely he could just whip one up himself without shattering any lives or hearts. I believe he is so far away and yet oh so close in the care of somebody very special, whether he or she is an angel or not I really do not know.

Something that I read the other day on my friends blog really spoke to me. It was such a beautiful vision, well actually it was her dream. She dreamed that she saw her son, he was running about having a great time when he leaped up in the air and took flight, it was then that he shattered into a million pieces. She felt horror at what she had just witnessed but quickly realized that her son had just gone back to be with all the elements of the universe. In her own words "my son is made of star stuff".

I like to believe I have a strong faith and Christian is where I believe he is but when I read others beliefs like my friends dream above, well I just think so many of them are so beautiful and I begin to wonder myself.

I don't really see her at all. 11 months on, and she feels very gone. I dream about babies, feeding babies, rescuing babies, watching babies disappear from my grasp, but I don't think they are ever her. I know others see their babies in nature or at the beach and I try, really I do but it has been hard. I don't think winter has helped, things are pretty drab here now. Maybe spring will bring her to me. And really, I can't imagine what she'd be like now. I have a fuzzy vision of a chubby girl with curly blonde hair, but that is about it. I wish for so much more.

My new relationship with Jordan is special. I feel her as the wind in my hair, the sun on my face... I see her in the blossoms that bloom on her weeping cherry tree and in the butterflies that flutter about my garden. I guess though that I don't actually perceive these things to be Jordan herself, but rather gifts from her. I imagine Jordan as a free floating spirit, traveling realms I have yet to see, experiencing wonders I have yet to know and now and then popping in to watch over her family, reading over my shoulder as I blog and sending me signs when I desperately need them or just because. Sometimes and especially during special family times like Christmas (her birthday) she appears as dragonflies. I read a story about dragonflies (you can find it on my blog) that I connected with in a big way after Jordan died. I look out for them everywhere. Once, one even grew in my fishtank! A part of me knows that this could be a huge construction on my part to deal with the loss of my daughter, but the bigger part of me knows that this connection I feel to her is so special and beautiful and I feel grateful and blessed to have it.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Carly: This next baby will be born via c-section at 38 weeks. It has been decided that this option is the safest for my little water baby. For my own health a c-section is better for me as well. I have had two horrendous natural births. A vacuum delivery with Scarlett as she was stuck and Christian was born breech (something I would not wish on anyone). I am also relieved as the recovery for me from a c - section is so much quicker and easier than what I have experienced with births.

I just want to birth the baby alive. That's about as far as it goes in terms of a plan for me this time around (I'm now 22 weeks). It will be another hospital birth, and I'll likely be induced a little bit early (as I lost Hope at 40 weeks 5 days) but everything else is totally negotiable. I just don't think I could wait again, then go to 40 weeks, or even worse beyond and suffer another loss. My choice has really been taken away here. I am also seeing an obstetrician this time, as last time I saw a team of midwives and I will accept any help I may need or that may save my baby's life. My ego is totally out of the equation here. I am not in this for the experience, I am in this to get a live, take-home baby at the end of it all. They could cut me open from head to toe without drugs, and I would not complain.

I have had two complicated births already. My first was an emergency c-section carried out after a prolonged and painful posterior labour which lasted several days. I was hoping to vbac with my second child but again was faced with an emergency c-section due to my water breaking, meconium being present and my breech baby being in distress. When Jordan was born she was revealed to have a severe brain injury which had happened undetected some weeks before. It eventually claimed her life. This time I have been told flat out that c-section is my only option due to my previous experiences... and I have been given the option of an early delivery. I don't care how I have this baby anymore, I just want them here safe and well. Currently I am pondering my choices concerning birthing this baby at 35 weeks as opposed to 38. There are risks associated with everything and I have to choose which one I can live with more were things to go bad. At this point, pending further interrogations of my ob, I think I will opt for 35 weeks. I don't trust my body not to hurt my baby and that is really sad, but is the simple truth.


Anonymous said...

What a lovely idea Carly, Sally and Sophie. Thanks for sharing your answers, I'm going to do the same in a second. xx

Who We'll Forever Be. said...

thanks for providing a place to talk with other mothers of angels.

Mirne said...

You are clever girls, you three :-)


Jane said...

Thanks.. good questions!

Laura said...

Wonderful Questions- and no doubt the answers may be as different as the mothers who answer them.
Looking forward to reading!
God Bless!

FFG&M said...

This is my first meeting & I just wanted to thank you ladies for doing this. I truly feel that there is a huge need for outlets like this.

Amazing questions! I've already written my responses!

Henninger Family said...

Just joining all of you ladies - I am truly inspired to read all of your stories. Thank you for sharing!

Franchesca Cox said...

Welcome Sophie and Sally! This is my first time participating and I'm late, but I appreciate this way to connect with other baby lost mothers who just get it.

Catherine W said...

Thank you very much for this beautiful website Carly, Sally and Sophie. And thank you for sharing your own answers to these questions. xx

caitsmom said...

I love the new site and the way the information is easily linked. I don't understand why the choice of "secret" garden in the title. The best thing about the bereaved blogging community is that we are not a secret to each other. And one of the painful parts of grief is when others want us to keep it to ourselves.

I love the idea of tending to our grief to allow for new flowers to grow, but not keeping it secret (as the character in a children's classic wishes). I Love the idea of gathering in a garden, but "secret" troubles me. Not trying to get anyone riled or upset, but offering my sincere reaction. Peace.

Hope's Mama said...

Very valid point, caitsmom. I'll raise it with the other girls.
Thanks for your input.

Marie A said...

Dear Ladies,

Thank you for all coming together on this project. I do not have a blog but I read Carly's often and comment there. I thank you Sally and Sophie for helping Carly out - Only God knows how much work she puts into this world.

I lost my daughter Shannon just over 4 years ago. I do not have a blog as I feel my words only express anger, I hope it is okay for me to come in here and read your hearts and those who choose to participate. I feel just reading others thoughts helps my heavy heart to heal.

I actually really like the new name. I thought you were trying to capture that this is a secret place just for the bereaved where you can be yourself and not worry about what anyone will or will not say. I don't think its about trying to keep us a secret but more giving us a break from everything we deal with in the real world. A place that is a secret just to us - a safe place. Thats how I see it anyway.

Thank you for bringing everyone together....

My tree would be an old oak x

Carly Marie said...

Thank you everyone for welcoming Sally and Sophie to this place. Thank you also for taking part and sharing your hearts.

Caitsmom, I am sorry that the word 'Secret' here is troubling you. In no way do I want people to hide their grief. I want this garden to be a place where people can come and share their thoughts and emotions and feel safe to do so. It's a secret place just for bereaved parents where they don't have to worry about what the rest of the world thinks. A place of safety almost.

We are going to work on a tagline for the site so that we can avoid any further confusion on what this place is about.

Thank you all again x

Fiona said...


I'm new to this. I have the questions/answers on my blog, so hopefully the link is linking okay.

Once A Mother said...

How fitting your question was for me to find after just writing my baby girl a letter about a dream where I saw her. Beautiful site, thank you so much for all you do to help us babylost mamas in our grieving.

mommylife said...

This is another beautiful place for grieving families to come and I thank you all for that. Thank you for what you do.

Chelsea said...

I don't feel like commenting myself today but I love the questions and format and have put the link on my blog. Thank you!

Erika said...

I am very thankful for this group. I have read a lot of the answers on the blogs already listed and now I don't feel so alone. I know there are other people out there who have dealt with miscarriage/losing a child but I'm thankful that there is a place I can come to where everyone will understand me and my feelings. When they say "I am sorry for your loss." it means more to me because they have been there. Thank you so much for starting this. I believe it will help a lot of people in their healing process.

Erika said...

Thank you Carly for the comment on my blog, but I actually do have a 17 month old daughter. At about 14 weeks we thought we were losing her, but it was just a threatened miscarriage. After a few days on bedrest everything else went smooth until my 38 week check up when I found out I had preeclampsia. We had to induce because my bp would not go down even after they admitted me and had me on bedrest. It got up to 214/168 so they didn't even finish the 24 hour test to confirm preeclampsia, I had protein show in the UA, tons of swelling that wouldnt go down, and seeing spots and glittery things. After my epi, I stopped contracting (they turned to quivers) and at 6 cm, the doctor said I would need a c-section due to my rising bp so we wouldn't risk the health of me or my baby. When she was born, she was perfect. Her APGARs were 9 & 10 so absolutely perfect!! Thank you though for your comment. I am scared to get pregnant again because what if I have another miscarriage or what if I develop the same complications as with my daughter? This is why I am so appreciative of the resources you & many others provide for mothers like me.

Karen said...

I am so happy to stumble into The Secret Garden, although I wish we all had something in common other than baby loss. We lost our son in May and then moved end of June; I feel very alone and absolutely devastated by this loss. It's comforting to find this forum and blogs by other grieving mothers. Thank you for this blog.

Christy said...

Thank you girls. Thank you for helping me, for comforting me. Your work is so very worth it.