Friday, November 6, 2009

October Meeting

Welcome everyone. If this is your first time here at The Secret Garden Meeting we hope that you find this place comforting. We apologize for the late meeting this month, time ran away with us all.

If you would like to take part in the meeting all you have to do is copy and paste the questions onto your own blog, answer them and then come back in here and leave a link to your Secret Garden post in the Mr Linky below. We would encourage you to visit other people who have left their links as that is the main purpose of this writing exercise to share and send your love and support with those who understand.

It is with so much love and happiness that I would like to mention here that Sophie had her precious little Jasper. He is beautiful and you can meet him on her blog. For obvious reasons Sophie will not be joining in this month.

It is with great hope that I would like to wish Sally a beautiful birth experience of her little boy. He will be born with in the next two weeks, so please stop by her blog and send her all your love and well wishes as she faces these last couple of weeks, possibly only days now. Sally will be away from the meeting too this month.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?


Right now I feel a lot of wonder. I am coming up to 3 years in January since we lost Christian. I feel as though I have felt so many different emotions since that day. Hate. Love. Envy. Hope. Intense sadness. Bitterness. I guess they are just a few of what have felt.

There is no feelings of hate or bitterness anymore. I do feel the sadness every now and then but more often than not I feel wonder. I wonder if Christian met River before I did. I wonder if Scarlett met Christian before she was born. Did they all hang out together before they knew my womb. I wonder if Christian's spirit is surrounding my new baby girl. Will he help her to be born into this world. Was he the one who sent the dolphins to me at his beach on that week that this little baby was conceived. I wonder if he sent me the love heart in the sky. How does he spend his day? What about night time? Does he sleep in like his lazy sister's? Is River's adventuress side really a part of his personality inside her?

I have so many questions that I will never know the answers to. I feel as though something big is missing and I know this new little girl will not fill Christian's spot at the dinner table. There will always be an empty seat no matter how big our family grows. We will always be a family of 6 with 1 absent member, is he really absent though? Or can we just not see him?

I will never know.


Jill said...

Carly, the picture of the love heart in the sky is just beautiful!

Jeanette said...

Wow, that heart is amazing.

Mary said...

The picture is do pretty .... There will always be an empty seat that no one can fill.

Heather said...

"There will always be an empty seat no matter how big our famiy grows"
Sigh. That's the reality that takes a chunk out of my heart every time I think it through. No matter what we try to do, nothing will ever fill that void.
The picture is nuts! I've yet to encounter anything I feel like my son might have sent my way. Maybe it's because I'm too busy looking at my feet all of the time, or because I'm zoned out.
What a thought though. To wonder if you're children have already met.

Laura said...

I think he's there- only a whisper away! God bless you and your growing family and I know he's smiling down- so proud of his mommy and beautiful family! Hugs!

Franchesca Cox said...

Carly, I have to say that your post really encouraged me. To think three years later (almost), you can look back and the stabbing pain seems to be almost nonexistent as you wonder about Christian. I long for that desperately. Thank you so much for this post, and for the Secret Garden. I know right now you have so much going on, but thank you for reaching out.


Anonymous said...

Beautifully written.
I just stare at the picture in awe... WOW!

Thanks to all of you 3 girls for providing us with the secret garden. Such a healing and inspiring place. All of you deserve a heart like this every day.

Brittanie said...

I love that picture. That's so amazingly beautiful.

I'm new to the secret garden, but thank you for it.

Holly said...

I love the heart in the clouds. There will definitely always be a piece of the family missing no matter how many children. That, I know, is true.

Once A Mother said...

what beautiful thoughts to wonder on though, they all are such testaments to your unyielding love for this special child. Thank you, too, for sharing this beautiful photo.

Jessica said...

Um I am new to this so I am leaving a comment. I did it and I am sure people who read my blog are going to be wondering, but it felt good to know that I know what it is and to face some of those questions.
Jessica Twigg

Carly Marie said...

Thank you everyone for your love :) xxxxx